This is a discussion I had with a guy who was interested in ‘going out’ with our daughter a year or so ago. I knew him and we got along well and he was a new Christian. I then emailed it to him (just to make sure he heard it all) and since then lots of people have been interested in reading it! So here it is… it’s pretty Christian! I don’t expect to do this with every guy, this one just needed a hand thinking things through 🙂
Dear potential boyfriend,
There’s 9 things you need to consider/think about before you ‘go out’ with our daughter….
RISKS…..
1. Your friendship is at risk. If you go out too early it means you either ‘go out’ for a very long time (or short time) and then break up or you go on and get married.
– The problem with going out for a long time is that sometimes it lacks direction and then you grow apart. It puts pressure on future direction when you have someone else to consider. It also may mean you miss out on that time with friends and developing other friendships, which is an incredibly important. It also puts pressure on a whole lot of areas, physically, emotionally etc.
– If you break up, you do actually lose the friendship, it’s hard going from being intimate relationally to just being friends again. You often need a break to re-establish things and that could potentially be pretty awkward in a smallish Youth Group and Church. It also means there’s a potential for hurt as someone may be more rejected than the other. It would be terrible if one person found it uncomfortable to be around the other person and then didn’t come to Church because of that. It could potentially have issues with faith as well. There’s also the risk of hurt if one of you, after the breakup, ends up going out with someone else.
– If you get married, there’s such a long way to go… you’re only 15!
2. The second risk is that as our families are becoming friends, there’s a potential for the families to take sides if there’s a messy relationship breakup. Our families will end up seeing a lot of each other however there’s often hidden expectations in families and it takes a bit of negotiation to work all this out.
UNDERSTANDING….
3. Theology of going out – as the Bible doesn’t really say anything about ‘going out’, it’s important to work out what it means in our context and culture and to work out godly responses. Going out means you are not married! This means you are potentially dating someone else’s wife. This means our daughter is actually your sister in Christ. Nothing more. Going out is a time where you work on a friendship, work out how to get along, how to resolve conflict, get to know each other. A big massive thing to get to know is how each family operates. You’ve both been brought up to understand certain ways to behave in a family and it takes a while to understand. She is also technically ours still. She is part of our family. This means we would like you to respect the decisions we make and not go against them. It also means we would like you to openly talk about things with us and not go behind our back.
4. Theology of marriage – The Bible has a high view of marriage. God’s created us to be in a trusting, secure relationship to enjoy an intimate, physical relationship and to commit to being a family together. Your role in a marriage is to give up your life to serve someone else. This is a big sacrifice and you want to marry someone who you can do this for. You want to make God first in your relationship and for our daughter to have God as a priority as well. This makes your relationship stronger when you are growing in your relationship with God and for that to be a priority in a relationship. Marriage and family are ways that you can serve God even more and part of marriage is working out how you can serve God better than if you were single. There’s lots to consider in getting married and it is a risk. The more you put into building your relationship, the better your marriage. I do want to say though that sex is a fantastic part of marriage and it’s great when it’s part of a secure, stable marriage. It’s like the icing on the cake of a solid relationship. Sex is a strong desire and something we long for and once you’ve had sex it’s hard to stop, because it’s so good!! This is why the first time should be part of your marriage as even if you’re engaged there’s still a chance you could break up. You want to be able to not stop!!
5. Theology of body – Our bodies, as Christians are to be used to honour God. Her body doesn’t belong to you. You are to honour your future wife by not going too far with our daughter or her with you. It’s good for you and her to not have many physical experiences because it’s hard to get rid of memories with another person and you don’t want to have intimate memories with someone else other than your wife. Also, the Bible says that lust is a massive issue. Thinking sexually about someone else, therefore if our daughter is really your sister in Christ you need to think affectionately about her. For each person this is different. Kissing however can go from affectionate to sexual fairly quickly and massaging can go that way quickly too. The Bible also says to not awaken the sexual desire in someone else. Please don’t do that with our daughter.
PRACTICALLY……
6. You are both modelling to our younger family members and to the youth group. You are setting up the standard for others watching you who are watching with a lot of interest. The standard you set will be broken by others. The standard you set needs to be for the weakest Christian, not the strongest.
7. This means there always needs to be a parent at home.
– Do not go into bedrooms and you need to be in a public space ie dining room etc.
– I know you will need some time to talk privately so we will give you some space in the public areas but we will come in at random times.
– You also need your texts to be public as well, you do not want private conversations or photos on record. If you feel ok about me reading them then that’s your standard of what’s ok to text.
– Your standard of physical touch is what you would be ok with other people seeing ie your sister etc.
– When you come to our home, I’d like you to say ‘hello’ to the whole family and offer to help with dishes or something like that.
– We’ll talk to your parents so that we’re on the same page with this.
8. Having someone in our home is quite a vulnerable time with your family and ours. You will notice lots of differences; in parenting, personalities and priorities. The trick is to learn from the good things and not react to the things you don’t like. We want this experience to help you grow in godliness and maturity. You will end up having a relationship with each of our kids and for us as parents. Please take the time to get to know each of us. That will help us all and your relationship in the end.
LASTLY….
9. You’re a new Christian and please keep that in mind. You are only 15 and I want to trust you but you will have to earn trust from us.
However, I meet a lot of great guys in my work and often wondered if I’d ever find a guy who I thought would be good enough for our daughter. Well, you are up there. You’re an incredibly gifted guy, I can’t wait to see how God is going to use you! You’re smart, strong, fun, interesting, determined, disciplined, mature, open and AWESOME! I’m looking forward to seeing you growing in godliness and maturing as a Christian, becoming a man of God who seeks God in every situation, who longs to know God more every day!
Yours truly
GFM – girlfriend’s mother
juleslairdy 